I keep telling my adult children to be strong and accept that life is a bitter pill. Why won't they listen to me?

I keep telling my adult children to be strong and accept that life is a bitter pill. Why won't they listen to me? 

Connecting with our children used to be easy breezy when they were young, but what happened? 

This is a common gripe among parents who find themselves faced with a new season in their parent-child relationship. Now that the children have become full-fledged adults, communicating with them has become a real challenge- with growth in their independence and control of self. However, keeping communication lines open between parents and their adult children is still as essential for the growth of their relationship as in the past seasons. 

Changing Roles and Dynamics

Does the feeling of caring and often worrying about your children ever go away? They probably don’t. But navigating the new phase in your relationship with your adult children is smoother as you understand the shift in your roles and relationship dynamics. 

1. A parent was the main protector, provider of needs and wants, financial provider, source of safety, and provider of medical care and education. Children’s transition to adulthood as they reach their 20s mean that they as adults acquire more power and authority over emotional, financial and physical matters among many others. 

1. Since they have this desire to establish their own identity, career and network, their needs for support and communication from their parents also evolve, affecting the relationship dynamic.  

Breakdown in communication happens when both sides find it difficult to acquire the necessary skills and attitudes.

Effective Communication with Adult Children

• Listen actively. 

Being able to listen is probably the hardest, yet the most rewarding skill that a parent can develop for effective communication. This requires a shift in thinking though, since parents have a deep-seated instinct to continue being children’s source of information, wisdom, and advice. 

One thought to ponder is, “How can I still maintain a close relationship with my child while I surrender my control of their life to them?’ 

Instead of offering advice or judging the situation immediately, parents can practice asking open-ended questions. As they answer and process their thoughts,  they get more insight and have the chance to ponder possible solutions. When we allow them to make their own conclusions and decisions, we honor their choices and they get to grow their problem-solving skills and accountability. (1) 

• Make space for mentorship. 

One change in the dynamics is the parent’s opportunity to become a mentor. This happens as the environment where communication takes place is built on trust and honesty.(2) An adult child would feel safe to inquire a parent’s perspective, to get encouragement and ask for suggestions when the child feels the parent is not trying to control behavior and monopolize decision-making. 

Being able to talk about this new relationship is also crucial. Having conversations about these new roles, boundaries in the relationship , the increasing change in independence on a more regular basis reinforces this mentoring relationship. 

A Parent-Child Communication Hurdle

Not setting boundaries. 

When the adult child’s communication becomes irregular, parents may feel rejected and either feel the need to withdraw from the relationship or to overexert effort to communicate. In both instances, the lack of boundaries set the relationship for more strain. Parents need to learn to employ more respect to their children’s space and in this case their silence by being more understanding and not taking offense immediately. Often, young adults have to process their own emotions and situation before they are ready to share. As caring parents, knowing how to read the situation and being ready when assistance is needed and when it is expressed are great alternatives to do. (3)

Game plan for Communication

• Set regular quality time together for conversations

It can be a simple and quick video call, a short visit, or a lunch out and it already sets a tone of caring and respect. Social media apps and video conferencing tools are readily available for such check-ins. 

• Give regular updates. 

Simply giving each other updates on each other’s status keeps communications lines open and allows for conversations about life events and changes to come up natually. 

• When needed, seek support.

Professionals such as licensed professional counselors or therapists work with children, adults and families to assess their needs and work on possible and appropriate support.  

Adult children still need their parents’ connection, but as roles and dynamics change with adulthood, more effective communication skills are necessary for the relationship to flourish.