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Home I broke up with my partner, but now I am having doubts. Did I do it out of the right reasons or was I just being fearful?

I broke up with my partner, but now I am having doubts. Did I do it out of the right reasons or was I just being fearful?


One of the marks of adulthood is a lot of decision-making- “What career path do I take?”, “How do I make my finances work?”, “Should I quit this job?”, “Is pursuing my dream and taking risks worth it?” and many more. But making the decision whether or not we want a life partner, and if we decide to have one, whether this person is the right one for us or do we look for another probably rank as the most important decisions we are ever going to make. 

When we decide, we are aided by our intuition, we make use of other people’s insight and we are influenced by fear and logic.  Oftentimes, the decisions we make based on fear are the ones we regret the most. Thus learning the skill of making decisions based on more logic, love and our intuition is necessary for a meaningful romantic relationship and a fulfilling life. 

Fear vs. Love

Fear, a natural emotion, is healthy in certain levels as it serves to preserve us from danger, and warns us to make safe decisions. 

However, when fear becomes the primary driver behind our decision-making process in our romantic relationships, our stress levels powered by adrenaline and cortisol shoot up and it may influence us to make hasty decisions without considering the pros and cons. Fear-based decisions are often based on judgements and stereotypes. It is a hyperfocus on making the safest choice.

On the other hand, decisions made from a loving perspective allow us to choose things that can meet our needs without hurting or manipulating our partner’s decision. We also experience greater understanding of our own intentions. It allows us to care for ourselves before we help our partner. Lasty, it is focused on using openness, even vulnerability, and intuition to take risks in order to see the future possibilities in the relationship. 

What is our decision-making style? 

It’s time we look back into previous relationship decisions we made and ask these questions in order to get an idea of our  decision-making style.

  • What was the last decision I made in terms of a romantic relationship? 
  • Was it driven by fear or love?
  • What feelings or thoughts did I consider to lead me to my choice? 
  • Imagine a decision about my current or future relationship that I have to make. How would I like to approach decision-making? 
  • What thoughts and/or emotions occur as I consider this scenario? 

It is common to hear these fears among people in a relationship: 

  1. I am scared to lose my partner.
  2. I  don’t want to break up with my partner because I think I can’t not find someone better or that nobody would find me attractive as a romantic partner. 
  3. What would I do without them? 

These fear-based thoughts then limit our freedom to express our needs and our love. 

What can I do to improve my love-based decision making? 

  1. Make decisions after you know your individual needs and expectations of the relationship. 
  2. Seek to empower yourself and the other person by allowing yourselves to make your own decisions, and come to an agreement when your goals for the relationship align. 
  3. Change your mindset from a place of poverty to a place of abundance. When you think of yourself as valuable and  with the capacity to love and receive love, you can make decisions that respect your value and capacity. 
  4. Identify your fear triggers, your misconceptions and stereotypes about love and relationships. Wrong beliefs that you hold on to may influence the quality of your decisions. 
  5. Weigh your decisions and conquer the fear of risks. Loving relationships come with their benefits and risks. Weigh the pros and cons in the relationship and when your potential to achieve a loving, healthy and fulfilling relationship outweighs the cons, don’t let fear stop you from making a decision. 

Stepping out of our comfort zone, taking risks, and being vulnerable with our needs in a relationship is truly a challenging part of love, but choosing to practice love-based decision making brings us closer to loving and healthy relationships.  

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I broke up with my partner, but now I am having doubts. Did I do it out of the right reasons or was I just being fearful?
Brandon Resasco