I want to heal and grow after my breakup. How do I move towards relationship closure?

It is in songs, in the plot of movies, and our favorite series; how people move on from a romantic relationship. It is a fascinating subject because it hits close to home, too close to our hearts even! 

In the past decade, the age of people getting married has increased. More people are experiencing romantic relationships, and subsequently, experience with breakups increase. In fact, statistics show that almost half of young adults experience one or more breakups in a 20-month period.

Impact of romantic relationships and their end to young adults

Researchers observed and studied how breakups affect how young adults function after the end of their romantic relationships and how it influences them in their future relationships. They found that the effects are significant, especially how the breakup was dealt with. 

Out of the 160 young adults in the study, those who had closure from their last relationship showed fewer symptoms like sadness, anxiety and loneliness.

 In addition, when they had greater understanding of why their relationship ended, their future relationships were positively affected. They had decreased conflict with their next romantic partner, they reported increased satisfaction from their next relationship, and their friends perceive them to be more capable of forming relationships.

What is closure? 

In the context of romantic relationships, closure means understanding the situation surrounding the breakup, and finally accepting how the relationship ended. 

From observation and studies of relationships, it turns out that our need for closure differs from person to person. It depends on our personality and our values.

Those who feel the need for closure often feel confused from not knowing the story of the reason for the loss. Knowing it from the person they were in a relationship with gives them the last piece of the puzzle to finally be able to make sense of the situation. 

This helps them resolve the confusion and even the painful emotions that the breakup created. 

When a relationship ends, especially one that we highly value, can make us question our identity. If we are the type that wants closure, we usually are open to learning something from ourselves, the other person and this understanding helps us to move on. 

Closure so that you can move on

Because closure involves the participation of the one we used to have a close relationship with, expect that emotions run high. But you do have a choice to take steps towards closure when you feel you are ready. 

• Ask the other person to talk with you. By asking them what happened and what led to the breakup, you might get the answers you are looking for. However, remember that what is sufficient information from them might not be sufficient for you. 

• Accept that sometimes, you will not get the whole story. But you can still feel the power of acceptance that from what you know now, it is possible to still move on. 

• Pursue personal growth, one step at a time. As you reflect and get to understand the situation, look more and more towards your future. What things have you learned from the past relationship that can propel you to become a better version of yourself? 

• Seek support. There will be times when your feelings will be too heavy to carry, and a supportive friend or community can help you carry the burden by simply being there for you, lending you an ear or a shoulder to rest on.  

When it becomes harder and harder to deal with the resulting feelings from a breakup, know that you do not have to carry it alone. You can seek help from your friends and family, and even a safe community or a professional to help guide you as you go through the end of an important relationship.

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