Very few people seem to find success in love. Is modern dating ruined?

If you ask a single friend how their dating life is, they might tell you it is not so good. This is mirrored by a 2019 survey with 2 in 3 single American adults saying that their dating life is not too or not at all well and with 3 in 4 adults saying that it was very difficult for them to find people to date in the past year. In general, single people in the US think that modern dating is more difficult.

Why is it becoming harder to date in the modern world? 

People going on dates not exactly knowing what they are looking for, increased chance of harassment, the effects of the pandemic, the rise of dating apps, and ghosting are real challenges that people face as they enter the dating scene. 

A closer look at the challenges in dating 

• Not knowing what you want from the date complicates the process. Diving into face-to-face dates or engaging in online dating  sites without a clear picture of your goals sets you up for disappointment and missed opportunities.
• Are you looking for a fling, or a long-term relationship?
• Are you committed to spending quality time getting to know the person before making a decision? 

When you are on the receiving end of unclear intentions, it might feel like a waste of time to play the guessing game. 

•  Increased chance of harassment makes people more cautious. 

In the 1029 Pew research, more than half of the women and a third of the men were harassed in one way or another on a date. People who have gone through harassment might become more careful in choosing a date or might find it difficult to form a trusting relationship with their date. 

• The effects of the pandemic on dating still lingers. 

The pandemic has opened up a fresh possibility in dating: online dating and long-distance relationships. Although they have existed long before the pandemic, there is now increased acceptance and less resistance to online dating behaviors. More and more applications can be used for video calls, messaging, and meeting new people, but they present their own challenges. 

• Meeting people online has become more acceptable. 

More than 40 million people in the US utilize the Internet to meet people to date. Many use dating apps to browse through thousands of profiles. The options seem endless! However, one danger is making the selection process quite fast, and people might miss out on the good options just because they are looking for “the perfect one” or “the best one.” 

• Ghosting has become a normal part of dating. 

When people want to avoid having possibly stressful conversations or confrontations, they cut off communication with the other person, without letting them know why. Ignoring any form of further contact has been called “ghosting.” 

Commonly, people who are too scared to face uncomfortable feelings “ghost,” and it might feel devastating to someone especially when you have invested time and effort on your dates. 

How do I navigate dating in the modern world? 

1. More self-awareness, boundaries and self-care for you. Know what you want, what you are willing to do, and what’s appropriate for you. It requires a lot of self-awareness, will and good communication skills to set up your boundaries, but it is worth it. It makes both parties safe in the dating process. 

• More positive communication. Healthy relationships rely on good communication, and it raises overall satisfaction in any relationship. One crucial communication skill is active listening. We pay attention to the other person’s message, without forming judgements and we train ourselves to be comfortable with some silence. 

When it is our turn to respond, we can consider replying using the Active Constructive Responding model which proposes that the more positive we are in responding, the more positive its effects are on the quality and length of our close relationships. 

• How can I respond in a nurturing way? (What is a response that is not cold, not ignoring, or hurtful?)
• How can I respond with interest? 

If you are experiencing challenges in dating and would like to express your thoughts and concerns in a safe space, consider talking to a professional counselor or therapist. 

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