Do you have to play games to make relationships work?

When it comes to many valuable things in life, the value of the thing being looked at depends on the perception of the person looking at it. 

If one gives something importance, it is considered valuable, while something that has value to one may not hold the same value to others who are looking at the same thing. This also seems true in romantic relationships! 

Why play games in a relationship? 

Upon entering a serious romantic relationship, one expects it to be based on love and trust, though these feelings continue to  grow over time. 

But this is not always the story, right? You and I may have experienced relationships that left us anxious and insecure instead.  

It’s because a partner had been playing games all along. They pretend not to care about us, they make themselves mostly unavailable or hard to please. You know how exhausting this is! What’s worse, they seem to play with our feelings by flirting with others, for example.

But why? There seems to be several reasons for this.  

• Fear of rejection. To get to know one another on a personal and intimate level, both people have to learn to bare to each other the good stuff and the flaws. This might be too overwhelming and scary for some that they would rather put on a front of being “not too interested” to avoid the risk of being rejected if the other finds out about their “true self.”

In many cases, people who play games have a romantic history of being emotionally hurt in the past, so they may be in a cycle of entering unhealthy relationships that either hurt us or hurt others. Maybe the person does not know now how to act in a healthy relationship because they have been so used to playing games. 

• Not being ready to be in a serious relationship. One possibility of playing games is them not seeing the value of the relationship, and not seeing it as part of their foreseeable future. This might sound hurtful, but they are into the relationship for other reasons. 

They intentionally make you feel bad, treat you with disrespect, pretend to like other people and play with your emotions because they get some kind of thrill out of it. 

• Losing interest. It is possible that the relationship started fine- with both people actually liking each other. But over time, one of them becomes cold, disinterested and just stops growing their affection for you. 

In this case, they shift gears to games- spending more time with others, and doing things to deceive you. 

What do I do if I am in a relationship that makes me anxious, unloved, and not valued? 

• Set rules including honest, and consistent communication. There may be a lot of reasons for your partner’s behavior, so initiating an honest conversation with them, and giving them the choice to come clean and openly discuss the topic may give you a better understanding of your real situation. It allows you to figure out what’s next. 

• Identify the mixed signals and conflicting messages you might have received within your relationship. The more you are aware of what is not acceptable and acceptable in how others should treat you in a romantic relationship, the better you can create boundaries that protect and care for you. 

• Identify what your responsibility in the relationship is and what the other person is accountable for. Remember that relationships only work when two people are willing to do and perform their own parts in it. You are not that person’s therapist. They should be mature enough to figure out the basic parts of their life and actions. 

For relationships to work, one must remember their value- the value you have for yourself. And I hope you find love and trust as you open up your heart to a romantic relationship with honesty and authenticity. 

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Written by: MArsha Angelie Ang

Sources: 

• https://www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/better-love/how-to-stop-playing-relationship-games

• https://www.quora.com/What-does-playing-games-in-a-dating-and-relationship-context-mean