My wife says I need to learn to treat her with more love. How can I become a more loving husband?

Even marriages that start with hope, care, and love still undergo challenges due to many factors in the individuals themselves, their relationship, and circumstances surrounding the marriage. One of these challenges is dealing with unmet needs and expectations. 

Receiving negative feedback from our closest human relationship, our spouse, about how we are as a partner and how we may have failed to meet needs can cause a real sting. We can either hurriedly jump at them and blame them or circumstances or we can take their suggestion with grace, look within and face the challenging question, “to change or not to change?.”

Is it still possible to increase feelings of love and care between spouses when they experience a decline in their marriage satisfaction? Apparently, it is.

How does one become a more loving husband? 

• Understand how love works. 

Love is a many faceted thing. We describe love as intimacy, passion and even commitment. (2) When we are intimate with someone, we feel attached and close to them. Meanwhile, passion is connected with sexual attraction. Commitment, on the other hand, covers our decision to remain with our partner and plan our future with them. 

In order to know where we may have failed as a husband, we can assess these three facets of love. 

• When was the last time my wife and I expressed our intimacy and felt close to each other? 
• What did I do to achieve that? 
• When was the last time my wife and I had sexual intimacy?
• When was the last time I expressed my desire for a future with her? When was the last time we made plans about our future together? 

• What does my inner voice say and are my thoughts loving or critical? 

A lot of our behaviors in our close relationships are motivated by our inner thoughts or perceptions. Maybe there were some hurtful or traumatic events in our past that still influence how we deal with our partner. Maybe there are negative thoughts that remain and still get entertained because of past hurts and unforgiveness in our married life. 

Wherever these thoughts come from, they play a role whether we are kind in thoughts, words or actions. By becoming aware of and challenging our inner voice, we can make some changes in our relationship habits. 

Research has shown that when we listen to the critical spirit of our inner voice, we tend to become self-protecting rather than self-giving, we become insecure and stop being kind to our partner. 

• Have heartfelt conversations. They matter.

The quality of our conversations with our spouse matters. Research has made it clear that a spouse feels more loved when their partner is engaged in the conversation, is honest, and shows vulnerability. This kind of communication increases their bond. 

Part of our honest conversation and show of vulnerability is talking about your past and breaking away from things that may have hurt you. 

For example, when our partner needs our kindness in the relationship, but kindness was not something we observed and experienced in our upbringing or it was not modeled to us while growing up, it can be a challenge to fulfill our partner’s needs. It means stepping out of our comfort zone and learning this skill despite it making us feel vulnerable.

Implementing these strategies surely will expose our inner world to our spouse, but taking these necessary steps brings us closer to a more connected, more intimate and a more loving relationship with them. 

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